you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize