2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
