after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
