I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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