85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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