The maid of honor just puked.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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