she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
