I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
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I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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