You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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