I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
