Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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