I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
