you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
