FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
