I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
