a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
