Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
