I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
