as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
