i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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whose ass print is on the piano?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
