eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
