This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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