Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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