So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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