if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
