I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
