Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
