I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
