Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
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nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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