i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
