I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i think im in europe. pls send help
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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