I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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