It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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