I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
