Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
