My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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