for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
