I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
