He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
