You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
