Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
