I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
