I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
