you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
