I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
