Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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