the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
