How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
All I want is dick and wine.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
