Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
