So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
