I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
