Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
