I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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