i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
