Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
