The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
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Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize