Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
