I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
