hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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