This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
